Ok, actually I just lied. I love hearing that, but as soon as they leave the room and I'm back in my messy apartment and my messy life, I wonder how they could possibly say such a thing. I wonder how anyone can be married.
Another break-up, but fortunately (or unfortunately) this relationship lasted all of 5 days, and we didn't really talk during those 5 days, obviously because he was planning on how to end it. It's sobering, and it leaves me wondering once again why I let myself get excited, hopeful, that somehow this would be the end of my singleness.
This is the part where I'm supposed to say that what I really need is a closer relationship with God, trust him, make him the center of my life and blah blah blah. I know all of that is true, and I know that people say that you can't have a marriage until you've proven yourself trustworthy in your relationship with God. (yes, I actually heard a pastor say that at a wedding.)
I think that's bullshit. Once we get all of our ducks in a row, find complete satisfaction in him, and prove how good we are, then we can be married. If that were true, none would be married.
Here's the thing, before sin entered the world, before Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, before we had need of a Savior, God said "It is not good for man to be alone." We needed this kind of partnership before Satan had corrupted us and made us aware of our sinful natures. If we needed marriage when we were perfect, how much more do we need it in this messy, fallen world?
Yet I'm not married. I'm about to be 27 and honestly I'm lonely. This hasn't made me quite desperate yet. I don't hang out at single bars or go out with anyone who asks. I keep my standards pretty high, but I try to be open to as many possibilities as I can. Yet I'm still single. I'm still praying that I won't be.
Whenever I share my struggle with other women, usually they say something along the lines of "You'll find someone! God made someone just for you." I'm so appreciative for their belief in my man-getting abilities, but I also have to take a shot of something sobering after their words. God did not promise me a husband.
God promised to be faithful to me, regardless if I was faithful to him. God promised me eternal life. God promised me a lot of things, but he never promised me a marriage, sex, and kids.
When I look at things objectively, I have to realize that there is a possibility that I'll remain single for the rest of my life. I won't die surrounded by kids and grandkids, but surrounded by dogs and a few people from the nursing home where I spent my twilight years.
And it sucks. That's all I can say. God knows the desires of my heart, and so far he hasn't answered them the way I want them to be answered. He might give me a husband, and he might not. But he's still God and this life is short. I might die alone at 97 sad and heartbroken. And you know what? That will be ok. I mean sucky, but ok. When I get to heaven and I look back on this camping trip I called life, I don't think I'll regret anything. Can God have something better than marriage, sex, and family in heaven? I'm pretty sure he promised us that heaven will be more than we can ever imagine.
Frankly, when you get to the point when you realize your most cherished dreams won't come true and you start longing for heaven, you realize you're in a low spot. But isn't that the kind of place God wants us to be in?
Whenever I'm really lonely and depressed, I imagine life as a camping trip. I freakin hate camping. It's sojourning in hell to me, actually. But I LOVE coming home after camping. I get through camping trips by imagining how great that bubble bath and comfy bed will be. I think this temporary life with these temporary tents are kind of like that. I don't mind doing the dirty work of life, and perhaps even enjoying a sunset or two, when I know I'll be going home soon.
And we'll all be going home soon. Just one favor, if I die single, can I spend the holidays in heaven with you guys???
