How the hell did I get here?

Last night, as  I was falling asleep, I looked around and for some strange reason realized that I was sleeping alone, in an apartment I paid for, without a husband, without a mother, without a high-paying job in New York City . I was praying, and as a firm believer in being honest with God, the last thing I remember before falling asleep is whispering "How the hell did I get here?"

This was not supposed to be my life. In the life I had planned, I would go from college to a married life and I would have 2 kids by now, probably with a third on the way. Somehow though, I ended up with living the single life at 27 in St. Louis. In the words of Robin Williams in "Mrs. Doubtfire" I thought, This is not my life.

 

To the friends I thought would never get married, I said "I'm so thrilled for you! This will be an adventure and I'm so glad you're taking it!" To the friends who did not do well in college but ended up in exciting places with wonderful jobs I said "I'm so thrilled for you! This will be an adventure and I'm so glad you're taking it!" I said all of this, thinking that some day soon in the future, I would be married, or in an exciting place. 

I made my own decisions. I made the decision of majoring in education. I made the decision of attending graduate school in education at uw. I made the decision of living in Poland and Korea. I made all of those decisions based on what I wanted and what was possible. I made the best decisions I could with that was available to me, what I was good at, what I wanted. 

Somehow, those decisions did not lead me to the life I thought I wanted. 

I do not know if I ever will be married. I do not know if I will ever live in another country or in exciting cities like New York, Chicago, or Boston. I do not know if this will be my life. I do not know.

What I do know is that I have amazing family that chooses to support me. I do know that I have friends who love me, strangely, without conditions. I do know that I have a dog and a guinea pig that take a large part of my heart. I do know that I'm part of a church that loves me even when I fail to attend. I do know that I have so much to be thankful for. 

Surely, this is not the life I had planned. This is not the life I prayed for. Yet I am here. I made the best decisions I could and God has answered my prayers in strange ways. God did not save my mother. God has not brought me a husband. God has not given me a high-paying position in a bustling city. God has me here. It's strange and every now and then I look around and think "How the hell did I end up here?" 

Yet I am here, and I don't want to waste it. I want to love and make connections. I want my nieces to know me and be excited about spending the day with Aunt Callie. I want to spend time with my brothers and sisters-in-laws. I don't want to move away, although I am tempted from time to time with a new start and a new life. After much prayer, I do not think that this is a good time to move away. I want to set down roots. 

I want it all, but God has given me what I have now. I have much to be thankful for. My life's mantra should not be "how the hell did I get here" but "who am I deserve so much?"