Most of you know this, but if you don't, I am a worrier. If there was an anxiety Olympics, I would win the gold. I have the kind of anxiety that is a medical condition. Every now and then I try to convince myself that I don't need Zoloft and that ends badly.
What a lot of you don't know is the intense joy that people with anxiety have. I don't have cancer! I'm not losing my job! My house didn't explode! The noise in the night wasn't a precursor to my death! Life is most excellent. Sure, it's a manufactured joy, but it is unbounded happiness.
Right now I'm going through some pretty intense anxiety. Threat Level in actuality is middling, but higher than low. It's a medical concern that most people would take notice of and then go about their day, perhaps mentally noting that if it continues to see a doctor. Worst case scenario for most people is, yuck, I might have to take some medication. But guys, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I'm pretty sure it's cancer.
Right now, Jesus and I are buds. I'm talking to him more. I am the type of anxious person that I NEED to get to the worst case scenario and make peace with it. People handle their anxieties in different ways and for some anxious people you should never allow them to think the worst. With me, it's best to be factual: Ok, so if your house does explode, what then? Let's solve the worst case possibility. So my worst case right now is that I'll die before I get to be Mrs. Tom Stockman. I'll die before having kids. My family will be lost. When I get to that low, I talk to Jesus. Are you really enough God? If this is it for me, will it matter when I get to heaven? I am more convinced in the pain and anxiety that God is there and loves me than any other time in my life.
If I find out I'm perfectly fine, my joy in God will be unleashed. God is good. I not only get Jesus, who is absolutely enough for this life, I get earthly happiness too. I'll be euphoric and I'll feel like I really know God.
And then I'll forget. My sink will become clogged. Tom and I will fight. I'll get frustrated at work. It's not anxiety inducing and it's not joy-filled. It's in the middle. God isn't there.
Where is Jesus when I'm late for work? Where is Jesus when I'm snuggling Smoot? Where is Jesus in the humdrum frustrations and little blessings of life? Why isn't he there?
I know he is there. Somewhere. Perhaps it's because I don't feel like I really need him. Perhaps it's because I have created habit of only experiencing him in strong emotions. Perhaps I've turned him into the God of joy and the God of anxiety and I've never let him be what he really wants to be: God in everything.
I am a firm believer that God is who he is all the time, but our emotions keep us from seeing that. I believe in spiritual disciplines, although it's not in vogue anymore. I'm not very good at it, but I believe in regular and ritualized prayer, in fasting, in the habit of self-denial. I know these things are taught by Jesus. What I'm not applying is that they are there specifically for the middle. Of course we'll go to go God in the extremes, but what if we train ourselves in these things every day, every hour?
If I know God is there all the time, why can't I see him through the fog of the middle? I am trying to learn the lesson that I know God is teaching me right now. Reach through the humdrum, the daily diet cokes, the night time mystery reading, hold fast to the goodness that is available in the highs, in the lows, and in the middle.
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Monday, October 13, 2014
God in the Middle
Most of you know this, but if you don't, I am a worrier. If there was an anxiety Olympics, I would win the gold. I have the kind of anxiety that is a medical condition. Every now and then I try to convince myself that I don't need Zoloft and that ends badly.
What a lot of you don't know is the intense joy that people with anxiety have. I don't have cancer! I'm not losing my job! My house didn't explode! The noise in the night wasn't a precursor to my death! Life is most excellent. Sure, it's a manufactured joy, but it is unbounded happiness.
Right now I'm going through some pretty intense anxiety. Threat Level in actuality is middling, but higher than low. It's a medical concern that most people would take notice of and then go about their day, perhaps mentally noting that if it continues to see a doctor. Worst case scenario for most people is, yuck, I might have to take some medication. But guys, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I'm pretty sure it's cancer.
Right now, Jesus and I are buds. I'm talking to him more. I am the type of anxious person that I NEED to get to the worst case scenario and make peace with it. People handle their anxieties in different ways and for some anxious people you should never allow them to think the worst. With me, it's best to be factual: Ok, so if your house does explode, what then? Let's solve the worst case possibility. So my worst case right now is that I'll die before I get to be Mrs. Tom Stockman. I'll die before having kids. My family will be lost. When I get to that low, I talk to Jesus. Are you really enough God? If this is it for me, will it matter when I get to heaven? I am more convinced in the pain and anxiety that God is there and loves me than any other time in my life.
If I find out I'm perfectly fine, my joy in God will be unleashed. God is good. I not only get Jesus, who is absolutely enough for this life, I get earthly happiness too. I'll be euphoric and I'll feel like I really know God.
And then I'll forget. My sink will become clogged. Tom and I will fight. I'll get frustrated at work. It's not anxiety inducing and it's not joy-filled. It's in the middle. God isn't there.
Where is Jesus when I'm late for work? Where is Jesus when I'm snuggling Smoot? Where is Jesus in the humdrum frustrations and little blessings of life? Why isn't he there?
I know he is there. Somewhere. Perhaps it's because I don't feel like I really need him. Perhaps it's because I have created habit of only experiencing him in strong emotions. Perhaps I've turned him into the God of joy and the God of anxiety and I've never let him be what he really wants to be: God in everything.
I am a firm believer that God is who he is all the time, but our emotions keep us from seeing that. I believe in spiritual disciplines, although it's not in vogue anymore. I'm not very good at it, but I believe in regular and ritualized prayer, in fasting, in the habit of self-denial. I know these things are taught by Jesus. What I'm not applying is that they are there specifically for the middle. Of course we'll go to go God in the extremes, but what if we train ourselves in these things every day, every hour?
If I know God is there all the time, why can't I see him through the fog of the middle? I am trying to learn the lesson that I know God is teaching me right now. Reach through the humdrum, the daily diet cokes, the night time mystery reading, hold fast to the goodness that is available in the highs, in the lows, and in the middle.
What a lot of you don't know is the intense joy that people with anxiety have. I don't have cancer! I'm not losing my job! My house didn't explode! The noise in the night wasn't a precursor to my death! Life is most excellent. Sure, it's a manufactured joy, but it is unbounded happiness.
Right now I'm going through some pretty intense anxiety. Threat Level in actuality is middling, but higher than low. It's a medical concern that most people would take notice of and then go about their day, perhaps mentally noting that if it continues to see a doctor. Worst case scenario for most people is, yuck, I might have to take some medication. But guys, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I'm pretty sure it's cancer.
Right now, Jesus and I are buds. I'm talking to him more. I am the type of anxious person that I NEED to get to the worst case scenario and make peace with it. People handle their anxieties in different ways and for some anxious people you should never allow them to think the worst. With me, it's best to be factual: Ok, so if your house does explode, what then? Let's solve the worst case possibility. So my worst case right now is that I'll die before I get to be Mrs. Tom Stockman. I'll die before having kids. My family will be lost. When I get to that low, I talk to Jesus. Are you really enough God? If this is it for me, will it matter when I get to heaven? I am more convinced in the pain and anxiety that God is there and loves me than any other time in my life.
If I find out I'm perfectly fine, my joy in God will be unleashed. God is good. I not only get Jesus, who is absolutely enough for this life, I get earthly happiness too. I'll be euphoric and I'll feel like I really know God.
And then I'll forget. My sink will become clogged. Tom and I will fight. I'll get frustrated at work. It's not anxiety inducing and it's not joy-filled. It's in the middle. God isn't there.
Where is Jesus when I'm late for work? Where is Jesus when I'm snuggling Smoot? Where is Jesus in the humdrum frustrations and little blessings of life? Why isn't he there?
I know he is there. Somewhere. Perhaps it's because I don't feel like I really need him. Perhaps it's because I have created habit of only experiencing him in strong emotions. Perhaps I've turned him into the God of joy and the God of anxiety and I've never let him be what he really wants to be: God in everything.
I am a firm believer that God is who he is all the time, but our emotions keep us from seeing that. I believe in spiritual disciplines, although it's not in vogue anymore. I'm not very good at it, but I believe in regular and ritualized prayer, in fasting, in the habit of self-denial. I know these things are taught by Jesus. What I'm not applying is that they are there specifically for the middle. Of course we'll go to go God in the extremes, but what if we train ourselves in these things every day, every hour?
If I know God is there all the time, why can't I see him through the fog of the middle? I am trying to learn the lesson that I know God is teaching me right now. Reach through the humdrum, the daily diet cokes, the night time mystery reading, hold fast to the goodness that is available in the highs, in the lows, and in the middle.
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