I'm writing this because I'm mad at myself. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm mad because I don't have a clear idea of what I believe. I'm confused about how both sides are so positive and there is so little reaching across the divide. I'm scared because I'm not sure if it was wrong not to not bring charges against Darren Wilson. I have a degree in race relations and I believe that the system is set up against minorities in America. Does not unequivocally backing Brown's case make me a racist?
I'm writing this to set out clearly what I'm struggling with, instead of just this mess in my mind that doesn't make any sense. This is a brain dump for me. I'm writing this for my own posterity. If my kids ever ask, what will I say to them? I'm writing this so maybe I can enter the discussions clearly with real questions and well thought ideas.
I'm hoping that if people do read it, they will enter in to a discussion with me, explaining what I'm getting wrong, answering my questions, and perhaps sharing some of their own conceptions.
Michael Brown's involvement in a robbery and the THC in his system should have no bearing in what happened.
For me, this is not an argument I give much thought to, except to get mad when people use this as a justification. Stealing a few cigarillos and smoking a joint is not punishable by death. The robbery was reported to Wilson before he stopped those kids. He might have honestly considered them possible suspects. They were walking in the middle of the road and that's just not common sense. Wilson was doing his job when he stopped them, but if he did yell "Get the F out o the road" that's bullying behavior that I don't think he would have used if it was two white teenagers. But I digress.
Why do people use the robbery and marijuana as some sort of justification? These types of crimes are given community service. Is it because it proves that Brown was not an innocent human being? Do people really want to play that game? Have you never been guilty of breaking the law? Never smoked weed, never broken the speed limit, never thrown a napkin out of your window? I know that robbery is a little bit bigger than these. He should have been arrested. He did a bad thing. I believe people actually take solace in his crimes because it makes what happened more justified to them.We are all guilty in some way and most of us have time to repent. Brown was not given that chance.
Was Brown surrendering or getting ready to charge?
Some witnesses say Brown was about to charge at Wilson. Some say he had his hands up in surrender. Here's where it gets scary to me. If I say I don't know who is right, I'm afraid people will look at me as a racist who trusts policemen and the system and doesn't give crap about the words of Black men. I'm taken back to the 1940s in Mississippi where Black men lie and white police officers tell the truth. I don't want to be that person.
Yet I do believe that black men are capable of lying, just as I believe white men are. I believe all the witnesses might have been protecting their own race in their statements, spinning what they saw or outright lying.
The system is flawed and stacked against minorities in America. The killing of an unarmed Black man is a big deal and should be investigated. But what if Brown really did charge at Wilson? Wilson claimed that because of the attack he could not get to his other weapons. What if this 289 pound man was angry enough to charge him? Do we make a martyr out of Wilson because he was in the wrong place in the wrong time? Do we automatically not believe a white man because of the many deaths of black men shot by white police officers?
When the transcripts of the case went online, the first thing I read were the witness reports. I needed to know. I read a few. Some claimed his hands were up, some claimed he was charging. This is not an easy question to answer. I am poised and ready to believe that Brown was surrendering, because it would be the easier thing for me. This case would be clear cut and I would be let off of all this wondering. BUT WE DON'T REALLY KNOW.
Absolutely Wilson could be lying. He could be a racist who didn't value a Black man in the street.
Absolutely the witnesses who claimed he was surrendering could be lying. Although I believe they may have less of a reason for it. I'm leaning toward believing Brown was surrendering, but either way I am calling someone a liar and I don't take that lightly.
Are the protestors and rioters justified?
Now, I almost looked up some academic articles on protests and riots to find out the psychological, political, and social implications and results. However, with the transcripts of the trial online and my limited time for research, I just have made it that far yet. It's on my to do list.
I don't understand how ruining your own neighborhood, keeping your kids from going to school, and committing crimes furthers your end.
I also don't understand institutionalized racism and the desperation for justice and the anger that boils up from those wounds. What must you do to be heard if your entire system is against you? What do you do with all that anger?
Sure people can say fight the system from the inside. That takes time and has meager results. But creating chaos doesn't have results either. Protests let the government know that a lot of people are not going to sit down when injustices are committed. Rioters make the government fear them. Should the government convict someone because they are afraid of rioters? I don't know about this. Once again, this is a brain dump.
Let's talk about institutionalized racism
People get confused about what racism is. Not liking someone based on skin color makes you prejudiced. Having the power of a badge and targeting an entire race makes you a part of institutionalized racism.
Black people can be prejudiced against White people. They don't have an entire justice system that has historically abused them, targeted them, and legally institutionalized them. There is no such thing as reverse racism.
Why the use of deadly force?
Let's pretend for a second that we know for sure that Brown was about to charge Wilson. Wilson claimed he was pinned before and couldn't get to any of his weapons (tear gas, stick, etc). But by all accounts Brown HAD moved away from the vehicle. He was unarmed. Wilson honestly couldn't have used any other weapons? Why did he shoot Brown several times? The autopsy report mentioned at least three shots I believe. The head, the arm, the chest. I could be wrong on this, I read the report hurriedly, but I know it was more than one. Brown was high on marijuana, not meth. A single shot to the arm wouldn't have done it?
Perhaps Wilson freaked and did the first thing he thought of. He did the wrong thing and he should be charged with it, even if it was a lapse in judgement. This is all still muddy to me but I will try to research it and figure out what really went down.
So here's where I am. I am scared to post this but I'm also scared of the lack of real conversation that's surrounding this event. If you made it this far, share your thoughts with me, as kindly as your conscience will let you.
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